Tag Archives: hypochondria

Remember that time I had my ears candled?

This past weekend was a long weekend, and that was nice. I hung out with human beings for what seems like the first time in a while, which is probably a good/healthy thing to do. I also watched SO MANY episodes of Fringe. I watched enough that now I’m having super creepy Fringe-inspired dreams where I think people are performing experiments on me while I’m asleep, so that seems about right. It’s also a really helpful show because it’s providing me with a really great new ideas about impossible ways that supernatural/experimental science can kill me! Ways that my own brain could probably never come up with on its own! Good thing I’m going to watch all five seasons in the next month or so, I’m looking forward to having several psychotic breaks.

Being a hypochondriac who’s afraid of doctors is a really annoying kind of person to be. Basically on a weekly basis I become convinced that I have some kind of condition – mumps, angina, mono, lung cancer, etc. To the best of my knowledge, I have never had any of these things. Usually it turns out to be a cold, heart burn, maybe a stomach flu, but 95 per cent of the  time it’s just a panic attack. No matter how convinced I am that I’m dying, I’ll do almost anything to avoid seeing a doctor. I don’t want an expert to confirm my worst fears! As long as I’m not diagnosed with anything, I can convince myself I’m just being crazy.


Now here is a story about how hypochondria + hating doctors causes me to do ridiculous things sometimes. Whenever I get a cold my ears get all plugged up, and sometimes it takes forever for them to clear up and it’s super annoying. This happened in the fall – it had been months and my ears felt all blocked up and it was driving me crazy. So when I saw a posting online for some holistic health place that offers junk like reiki healing and reflexology and other things that I am not exactly interested in that also did ear candling, I don’t know why, but I made an appointment, and it turned out to be pretty much as weird as you would expect.

The building wasn’t sketchy or anything, but it was more industrial than I would imagine when picturing a holistic healing centre. When I got there, a lady named Tonia was lighting incense. I expected her to say “Namaste” but I think she just said hi instead. She talked to me for like ever about how it worked and I was just thinking Tonia had better hurry it up before I made a run for it. Finally we got started. She touched my face for a while (you know, to align my energy, duh). This was horrifying for me because I DO NOT LIKE TO BE TOUCHED.  She was seriously just touching my face in silence for at least 10 minutes, oh my god it was the worst. And then she put a burning hollow candle thing in my ear for a while, and that was also weird.

She did both sides, and after she showed me the inside of each candle and said it was wax that had been sucked up into it…but I’m pretty sure it was just candle wax? I mean, I don’t know anything about physics, but why would a candle suck anything out of an ear. I suppose I should have thought about that beforehand, but I was desperate, remember? Also I made a point of not reading anything about it in advance because deep down inside I knew it was b.s.

So yes, my ears were still plugged, but at least a stranger touched my face for a while? Also I guess I confirmed that alternative medicine is perhaps not for me. Next time I think I just have to force myself to go to a doctor.

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The sixth annual edition of Random Stuff I Googled in the Last Year

First of all, I survived two full days of skiing! My body is still in a lot of pain from skiing  but you know, I’m fine. We also ate a lot of great food and Quebec is a beautiful city, so it was an all around good weekend.

But now I have to talk about something VERY IMPORTANT. For six years, every April 1, I have posted a list of my top 20 weird Google searches from the last year. At this point I’m pretty sure they’re not even really that interesting to anyone but me, but this is pretty much my only tradition, so I’m obligated to keep it up. And hey, if anyone else wants to share weird stuff they’ve googled, I’d love to hear it. So here’s what I googled over the last year!

  1. ayahuasca pop culture references
  2. bronie drama
  3. chiksa
  4. do people still wear harem pants
  5. how do i know if i have ecoli
  6. how do you cook a chicken breast
  7. how to tell if you’re short of breath
  8. icp christianity
  9. i want to be a hilton – jackay
  10. jill hennessy zaxby’s
  11. log lady bolero
  12. otherkin restaurant
  13. problem with hyper awareness
  14. rabies water
  15. sad woman eating
  16. shelley duvall killer octopus
  17. student bodies dvd
  18. talking pineapple
  19. trixie belden honey lesbian
  20. what’s in the baby alive doll food

And in case you’d like to see how my crazy has evolved over the years, here are all of my previous lists, now compiled in one massive blog entry for the first time ever! If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that I’m mostly interested in juggalos, reality television, non-existent health problems and lesbians.

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