The greatest thing about our culture is that we’re totally obsessed with celebrities! I’m only sort of kidding. If we didn’t have rich, famous, beautiful people to obsess over, we might have to focus on our actual lives, which, let’s be honest, are totally boring most of the time. Regular people are all like, blah blah I got a promotion! Oh look, I gave birth to a human and now I will dedicate my life toward posting Facebook pictures of it! Help me, I’m trapped under my hoard of old newspapers and Beanie Babies! So boring, right? Not like celebrities, who are always DRUNK and having affairs with their COSTARS and wearing DESIGNER LABELS while DRINKING and then going to REHAB. Ugh, so glamorous.
Clearly celebrities are way better than us, but thanks to social media and gossip blogs, we also get to see them at their lowest lows. It’s important that we put them on a pedestal only to knock them down when they mess up. Again, this makes us feel better about ourselves. If someone better than us can fail, how bad can our stupid problems possibly be? Usually it’s a great system, but there are a few rare celebrities who actually seem kind of likeable in addition to being fabulous, and in those rare cases, their inevitable breakdown is actually pretty sad. Anyway, this is all just a really long way of saying I’m concerned about Amanda Bynes.
You remember Amanda Bynes! She was the star of the Nickelodeon series The Amanda Show, and then she was in a series of teen movies – What a Girl Wants, She’s the Man, Sydney White. I’m the same age as her, and I was inexplicably into her movies, even though I was in university when they came out, and was probably way too old to be excited about a film that’s loosely based on the plot of Snow White for some reason. I don’t know, Amanda Bynes was always funny and kind of offbeat but weirdly relatable.
And then things got weird. A couple years ago she started deleting and undeleting her Twitter, announcing her retirement and return to acting. So that was weird, but around that time she appeared in Easy A, which was actually pretty great, and Amanda plays the Mandy Moore to Emma Stone’s Jenna Malone. Bet you didn’t expect a Saved reference, did you!? Basically she plays a bitchy religious girl and it’s awesome.
But then things got REALLY weird, because last year Amanda dyed her hair lilac, got some DUIs, had a series of car accidents, lost her licence, drove without her licence and…tweeted at Barack Obama to fire a cop who arrested her? Oh, and then there were the times she locked herself in a changing room for two hours, locked herself in a cupcake store bathroom and maybe walked around a tanning salon naked. Also, she got kicked out of her apartment building for smoking weed or something.
OK, so none of these things are good, but it’s her recent tweets combined with her recent Instagram pictures that are troubling. Yes, I follow Amanda Bynes on Twitter and Instagram, OBVIOUSLY. Check this out:
She is posting vague sentiments about love, and if my Facebook friends have taught me anything, that is ALWAYS a sign of impending disaster. And then there’s this:
Yep. That is Amanda Bynes! That is what she looks like now. Clearly things have gone too far. Girl is wearing a dehydrated wig and some kind of plastic nails. I’m not even going to address her pierced cheeks. I’ve made it clear that I’m all for a good celebrity breakdown, but not like this! Amanda never did anything to make me hate her, so I just want to help! So far I’ve just been replying to a lot of her tweets. I don’t think it’s helping. I think I’m going to plan an intervention, or at least an awareness campaign. Everyone loves a good awareness campaign! Remember that time when we failed to Free Katie back in 2006? Don’t you want to make up for it? Yeah, that’s right. I’m working on Save Amanda t-shirts right now. It’s the right thing to do.