I have some important information, everyone. I don’t think the Oscars are necessarily an accurate prediction of which movies are actually, like, the best. I mean, now that they’re nominating up to 10 films for Best Picture, basically anything that is a movie can be nominated. Last year two of the nominees were The Help and Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, which…well, I know The Help solved racism or something (no) but I think we can all admit that Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close was awful. Right!? It was sentimental schlock that capitalized on 9-11, just like all the worst movies do. See also: that one with Robert Pattinson. Oh wait, that’s a surprise 9-11 movie, so if you haven’t seen it, I just ruined an unnamed Robert Pattinson film. OH WAIT AGAIN it was called Remember Me. Haha, I forgot the name of a movie called Remember Me and then I spoiled it. I’m the worst. Sorry I’m not sorry!
So, the Oscars are pretty dumb and this year they’re being hosted by the perpetually smug Seth MacFarlane, which means they’re going to be smug AND irrelevant. I mean, I don’t really think any of these awards shows mean much of anything, but at least at the Golden Globes everyone is drunk. Basically no one is visibly drunk at the Oscars, and it’s a total bummer. Despite all of that junk, I will obviously be watching the 85th annual Academy Awards from start to finish when they air on Sunday. Why? I don’t know. I watch it every year, and there’s always the very tiny chance Anne Hathaway will lose and she will rip off her skin and it will turn out she was Rachel Berry from Glee all along (not Lea Michele – Rachel Berry) and no one will be very surprised.
Anyway, the point of this pointless preamble about this pointless awards show is that I’ve decided to make some pointless predictions based on poor information! I have seen all the Best Picture nominees besides Amour, but I don’t actually, like, know what I’m talking about. On the bright side, I think I can find a way to use these guesses to create a solo drinking game! Alex of the Future is going to be so relieved I did this.
Cinematography. Cinematography is such a weird award. It’s literally just about which film looks the best. I am definitely picking Life of Pi. Did you see Life of Pi? It looked amazing. I even liked the 3D and I really hate 3D.
Costume Design. I have a bad feeling that they could throw this one to one of those terrible Snow White movies, but I can’t decide which one, so I’m just going to guess Anna Karenina (which I didn’t see, but the costumes looked nice in the previews) instead.
Documentary Feature. I haven’t seen any of these, but I have HEARD of Searching for Sugar Man, so I will pick that one. What informed decisions I’m making!
Documentary Short. Damn, I haven’t even heard of one of these, so I will guess Mondays at Racine for literally no reason.
Film Editing. You know, I thought Argo was edited well in that it had basically no boring scenes, which…is that what good editing is? I think so, maybe!
Foreign Language Film. I don’t really think Amour is going to win Best Picture (again, keep in mind I have not seen it) so I think it’s going to win this award instead.
Makeup and Hairstyling. I mean, The Hobbit had to make humans look like mythical creatures, so shouldn’t it automatically win this one? It certainly shouldn’t win anything else, but let’s give it Makeup and Hairstyling at least.
Music – Original Score. Well, I still remember the music from Life of Pi, so therefore it must have been pretty good, probably.
Music – Original Song. Adele had better win for Skyfall because she will give a super cute acceptance speech, and also I actually like that song!
Production Design. Is this like, how the sets look and junk? I don’t know. I’m just going to guess Life of Pi.
Short Film – Animated. I mean, I saw that Maggie Simpson in “The Longest Daycare” thing, but I thought it was just OK, so I will guess Paperman, which sounds intriguing!
Short Film – Live Action. Never heard of these. Buzkashi Boys? Sounds…sexy.
Sound Editing. I assumed Les Mis would be nominated for all sound-related awards, and I was going to guess that even though I hated that movie, but apparently I was wrong. Um…Skyfall? I felt like the sounds in that film sounded like sounds or whatever.
Sound Mixing. I literally don’t understand what this is at all. What is sound mixing? How do you judge which film mixed sounds the best? I’ll just pick Les Mis. I really hated Les Mis, by the way, have I mentioned that?
Visual Effects. I’m once again guessing Life of Pi. Can you tell I liked how that movie looked? I really, really did.
Writing – Adapted Screenplay. Silver Linings Playbook, I hope! I feel like this might also go to Argo though, I’m just not sure.
Writing – Original Screenplay. I personally think Moonrise Kingdom should win, but I don’t think that will happen. So my prediction is…Zero Dark Thirty.
Directing. David O. Russell should win for Silver Linings Playbook. I don’t know if he will, but he should.
Animated Feature Film. I think Pirates! Band of Misfits should definitely win this one, because it had the greatest animation and plot of them all. It just did. Brave was OK, but not even close to Pixar’s best, I found Frankenweenie and ParaNorman disappointing (although most people seemed to love ParaNorman) and Wreck-It Ralph was great, but not as great as Pirates.
Actor in a Supporting Role. I didn’t especially love or even really like The Master, but I have to admit that Philip Seymour Hoffman was absolutely amazing in it, so I have to guess him.
Actress in a Supporting Role. I mean, Anne Hathaway is going to win this. She just is. It’s going to be super duper annoying.
Actor in a Leading Role. I don’t see how Daniel Day Lewis could not win this. I was totally bored by Lincoln, but I did think Lewis was excellent in it, so he probably deserves it.
Actress in a Leading Role. I think Jennifer Lawrence totally deserves it, but I don’t know…I feel like Jessica Chastain might win it. Which would be fine I guess, she was good…but Jennifer Lawrence was better.
Best Picture. My personal vote is absolutely for Silver Linings Playbook, which I think was by far the best film of the whole year. It was definitely my favourite, in any case. I just don’t know, though. I have a feeling it could go to Argo. Honestly, as long as Les Mis doesn’t win, I’ll immediately get over it and move on. I really just can’t wait until a few months from now when we can all forget Les Mis ever existed. Yep. The not-so-distant future is gonna be the best.